When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!
Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
I have a very fancy degree that says this meme is true:
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me