The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
You Might Also Like
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
This probably isn’t good
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman