@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

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@amydillon

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

@ArfMeasures

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@KateWhineHall

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

@MrIceMachine

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@WilliamRodgers

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

@markleggett

ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.

@TheHyyyype

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me