The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
sign of the times 🖊
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.