The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Rude much 😂😂😂
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
you can only post this today
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework