The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You Might Also Like
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.