The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.