Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.