Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?