The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
it must be school picture day
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.