The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet