Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Previously On Persistence 😎

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I will never stop laughing at this

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?