The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold