Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

I am yelling

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

imagine getting destroyed like this

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.