sent someone a text that said “you need medieval catheter” when i actually meant “medical attention” and i didn’t bother correcting myself
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]
Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.