The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

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sent someone a text that said “you need medieval catheter” when i actually meant “medical attention” and i didn’t bother correcting myself


If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.


Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.


God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them


I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.


I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.


*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.


Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?

Me: Yup

*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*


[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?


I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.