Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.