The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?