Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

#parenting

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Ghost costume 😂

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

My recliner and I go way back

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea