Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Wikigenius

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue