Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.