Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

😭😭😭

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.