Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone: