The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.