The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope