The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
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[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Whisper out to librarians!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.