The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁