Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.