the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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Yup
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies