the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*