The legends speak of a third Duran…
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Who.
Did.
This?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I鈥檝e switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.