The legends speak of a third Duran…
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Need this in my life lol
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
That took me a moment.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?