The legends speak of a third Duran…
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The pasta is now
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.