The legends were true
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Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope