The legends were true
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*