The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
here we go again
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.