Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth