Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?