The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.