The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Note to self: always read the final line
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
my professor scared me for a second
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.