The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here