The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one