The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”