The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Buying a well is money well spent.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name