The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account