The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Ha.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Body by sandwich.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
White parent Vs Arab parents
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.