Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

Suuuuure

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?