“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
We decided to have money instead of children.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
