“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I falcon love using swear birds
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
selena gomez
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
