The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You Might Also Like
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.