Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

pain

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall