The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You Might Also Like
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
haha same
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*