The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”