“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
How funny!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Wow 🤣
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My kitchen overserved me.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns