“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
this is a sign that you need a union
uh oh
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
