“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Breaking news:
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
