The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs