The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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