The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
What flavor cupcake are these
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
584.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR