Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

road rage

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???