Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

thanks auntie mary

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

podcasts

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules