Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

love it when they get my name right

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless