The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…