The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
this came to me in a vision
Thank you 🥹
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.