The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You Might Also Like
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The struggle is real
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m so full I could puke a horse
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
