The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.