Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it