Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.