The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.