The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job