The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
We have a winner.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Extremely relatable.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Good morning
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday