“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day