“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing