“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Ferrari squats
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?