“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My boss called in sick of me
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone