“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)