“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.