“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!