“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*