“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house